Is online dating right for you?

In the past 3 years, cyberdating has flourished on the net and many stories of sacred romance, instant love, soul mate encounters and psycho traumas have emerged.

"Love at AOL, an area on America Online designed for searching singles, began in February 1996 with 50 "photo personal ads" posted; now there are 30,000, with more than 700,000 visits to the area monthly. It's the service's most heavily used content area", says Anne Bentley of AOL.

Match.Com, the largest independent dating service on the Web, offers 85,000 member "profiles," adding about 6,000 new faces weekly, corporate vice president Fran Maier reports."

"The Net is what singles bars and mixers used to be," says Stanford University psychologist Al Cooper. "It's turning into the place for smart, eligible people to meet."

-Article by Marilyn Elias, USA TODAY, 1/26/99

Statistics show that many feel it's legitimate or it would not be prospering. Despite the stories, the risks of cyberdating are no greater than the risks of traditional dating. Additionally, for some it may be easier to strike up a conversation in a room of individuals who have chosen to be there and are already conversing as compared to meeting someone in the produce section with "So, how do you know which cucumber is burp-less? -- Would you care for coffee later?"

I have one client who is more than happy with the romance he now has as a result of meeting someone online - he says, "we hit it off immediately" and "we're going to spend the rest of our lives together." He suggests the power of online dating is that you can get to know a person's mind and soul and can fall in love with their inner beauty without being immediately distracted by the physical attraction or lack of it. His only suggestion when seeking to meet others online is to search in the rooms that give you the opportunity to mingle or meet others in your area -- as long distance romance, as it has always been, can put even the strongest of love to test. SingleFileonline.com for example, would be a great place to start!

I will not issue any WARNINGS - as I believe that the more we focus on the fear of what we don't want the more likely we are to attract that into our life -as we attract to us that which we put our attention upon. However, I do believe in educating oneself so that we may make decisions regarding the type of experience we would like to attract whether it is online or off.

The facts for some cyber-love seekers are that online deception can be rampant. Just as people take off their wedding rings before entering a bar, so do individuals online. Just as someone may lie to seduce their target - so do individuals online. Just as someone may pretend to be someone they aren't or more than they are in the real world - so do individuals online. In the fantasy world of online masquerading - it's easier to hide one's identity, it's easier to fantasize greatness, it's easier to be single, it's easier to deceive and it's more fun to be the self we always dreamed of becoming.

Your point of attraction therefore requires you to resolve any concerns you have prior to any online meeting. Ask yourself,

"If I don't want someone to lie to me about their single-status? What is it I do want?"

-- Answer -- I want someone who is single, who is what they say they are, is honest and open and that I know immediately (instinctively) that I believe in them. I also want to trust in my inner knowing - I want to be guided to the right types of chat rooms where individuals are inspired to be real and I attract only those individuals that are in harmony with my higher desires for a fulfilling relationship.

Now - In regards to the pitfalls of online dating…

Create your solutions before you are ever faced with the problem. I suggest taking the same precautions online as you would off. If you would not give your phone number to someone you barely know - then wait until you know him or her thoroughly and even meet them face to face first. If you would not meet a blind date alone - then take a friend with you. If you are concerned about their marital status then make sure you also get their phone number and permission to call them anytime of the day or night. Additionally, look to your personal experience to unravel the identity of your most likely experience. If you have always attracted honest people then you are probably in a good space to continue doing so. If you have always fallen easily in love and been hurt just as easily then it may be a good time to make some decisions about what you now want to be different and how you can go about aligning your energy with that desire to achieve it. Amazingly, the electronic phenomena of cyber love may offer a much-desired avenue for reinstalling the benefits of traditional courtship. In our grandparent's day, love was allowed to blossom after months of courtship and simply being sweethearts. The beauty of loving the soul is illustrated elegantly in an excerpt from Ralph Waldo Emerson's essay on love,

"…If However, from too much conversing with material objects, the soul was gross, and misplaced its satisfaction in the body, it reaped nothing but sorrow; body being unable to fulfil the promise which beauty holds out; but if, accepting the hint of these visions and suggestions which beauty makes to his mind, the soul passes through the body and falls to admire strokes of character, and the lovers contemplate one another in their discourses and their actions, then they pass to the true palace of beauty, more and more inflame their love of it, and by this love extinguishing the base affection, as the sun puts out the fire by shining on the hearth, they become pure and hallowed. By conversation with that which is in itself excellent, magnanimous, lowly, and just, the lover comes to a warmer love of these nobilities, and a quicker apprehension of them"

A scenario to envision…

You walk into a crowded chat room, at first you don’t say a word - you wait patiently, just watching, waiting to see if anyone seduces your interest with words of intellect. Suddenly the flutter of a new name, fresh meat, appears in the room. You have a good feeling as their words begin to flow and you find yourself intrigued and engaged in dialogue. They invite you to a private room for a cyber-cocktail and conversation, you expectantly agree. The momentum of the situation escalates as you discover you both love snow skiing, dancing, puppet shows and cats. You both enjoy a good mystery book and love Monday nights because of Ali McBeal. You both despise split pea but think good vegetable soup can warm even the coldest of winters. Eerily, you were both protesters in college and spiritual peace-seekers today. Astonishing similarities such as where you grew up, how you were raised, what you believe in and what you want for your future enliven the deliciousness of this platonic affair. It's now 4:00 AM - you've been lost in the cyber zone. Wow, what an introduction - it's as if you were destined to meet and even made for each other! You can hardly wait for the day to begin, so the sun will set and you can rendezvous again.