How do I create a better sex life with my partner?

An understanding of where we are as a society and as the male and female species could afford you many insights right now. For example, in Andrew Harvey’s book Return of the Mother, he wrote, "It’s lethal and obscene to keep alive the old patriarchal fear about sexuality. What is needed is for the body to be blessed. Why? Because we’re in it. Why would we be here if we were not meant to love and celebrate our bodies and to find out that sexuality can be the physical grammar of the lovemaking of the soul?… When you finally learn how to love and celebrate your body and your sexuality, it’s then that the full miracle of life becomes obvious to you." Simply gaining an understanding of the many core sexual issues could set you at ease and put you in a better place to create and allow the natural process of change and growth within your relationship.

A spiritual, new thought solution to a sexual relationship problem, or a sex and relationship issue is to make peace with where you are first.

Begin where you are - with patience. Then proceed with sensitivity, a willingness to be open, a willingness to express what you want while honoring your partners wants and the willingness to unconditionally embrace and be satisfied with the perfection of the moment. These would be the beginning steps for creating a better anything including a better sex life. If you commit to the above, then you are right – you can "create" the sex you want from within your current relationship. To do this, you must be willing to grow with and support the relationship by appreciating it while imaging, maintaining and mentally and spiritually pursuing the vision of the ideal love life that you desire. Which, by the way, is the very same desire that your partner (on some level) wants as well - or you could not have attracted each other.

The editors of Andrew Cohen’s magazine, What is Enlightenment? In the Spring/Summer issue of last year wrote, "…the fundamental view pervading the contemporary spiritual scene seems to be that sex, long seen as the enemy of the spirit, is actually its ally. This sex-positive view holds that to truly become whole, we must liberate our sexuality from the chains of guilt, shame and repression, and allow it to find full expression as a natural, healthy and even sacred part of life."

Although, I have my opinions, I’m not a sex therapist, nor am I a psychologist – therefore I will not and can not get into the psychology behind our society’s love/hate relationship with sex. However, I will say that none of the reasons we have for our "fear of intimacy" would have a leg to stand on unless we provide that leg. What I mean by that – is the more we pay attention to the very things in our life that are disappointing – the more disappointed we will become and the more we will attract into our experience - that which is disappointing. Additionally, if your new love senses your disappointment – it will be very difficult for her to ever feel anything but disappointed herself. She may not even be able to quite put her finger on it – but she WILL feel it and that disappointment will find a way to express itself. The expression may come through as she feels her self-esteem lowered to the point to where she’s insecure and actually feels too vulnerable to "come out of her shell." And/or she’ll discover that you don’t provide her with the sexual satisfaction that she needs either.

On the other hand, you can change what you are focused upon and therefore - change what you experience. For example, if you continually and persistently appreciate all that this relationship DOES have to offer - you will notice that little by little the relationship on all levels will automatically blossom. Eventually, you will have established the unconditional acceptance that is necessary to propel the relationship into deeper realms of intimacy. Love making like communicating – is a learned process. We do not pop out of puberty with ALL the magnetism of a Don Juan or the confidence of a Mae West. We must explore our intimate desires while teaching our partners and ourselves how to be each other’s special lover – and the act of appreciation and acceptance will set the groundwork for that next level of intimacy and communication.

Be persistent in expressing your unconditional acceptance of where you are while blessing the potential of where you are headed and your point of attraction (and sense of disappointment) will be altered and you will inevitably change your sex life for the better. Claude Pepper, U.S. Congressman is quoted as saying, "Life is like riding a bicycle. You don’t fall off unless you stop pedaling"… and I’ll add to that and say, "if you pedal long enough in the positive direction of your goal - you will most assuredly get there!