I'm the Perfect Man - Where's the Catch?

Dear Mr. Modest,

Thank you for tooting your own horn a bit - THAT is very much a step in the right direction. My very UN-modest friend, J. Park Howard, once said "Modesty is over-rated" and I now feel he's right. However, the natural grace and humility that comes with self-awareness and True self-esteem is what I consider to be so appealing and attractive in others as opposed to fabricated, self-serving self esteem and arrogance. I'm assuming you have the first.

Beyond humor, good looks, intelligence and self-esteem -what have you got? Oh yes, an active life, a successful business, great friends and family. So what's the problem? What could be keeping you from rendezvousing with your perfect mate? Why haven't you settled down already? What's wrong with you? Or What's wrong with the women who haven't noticed?

I wonder, are you afraid of commitment?  Are you a commitment phobic?    These are all good questions, and I have no idea what the answer is for you.

However, I can say that you are not alone. You're not the only one that has ever hired me as their coach BECAUSE they have such a great life with one exception - their mate.

My suggestion -- get a second opinion, and a third and a fourth if necessary, about why you don't already have your love. Would others tell you that you are afraid to commit?

Do anything BUT the same thing! Become more aware of "who" you really are and gather so much data about your past, present and future that you can release all limiting beliefs and all feelings of discouragement. Those negative feelings, in addition to whatever else may be keeping you from your ideal mate, will compound your dilemma, rob you of your life-force and add to the attraction of more of what you do NOT want. You want to discover WHAT you must be thinking or believing that is keeping your ideal relationship away.

"You are not what you think you are, but what you think, you are." - Brian Tracy

A great start may be to take a relationship workshop. M. Dorsey Cartwright, Imago Therapist, gives an excellent "Keeping the Love You Find" or "Getting the Love You Want" workshop based on Harville Hendrix Ph.D's books with the same namesakes. Go to the library or bookstore and check out the latest relationship books. Ask your ex-lover's, "What could I have done better or differently?" And Hey, here's an idea -- Hire a single's coach with the intention of discovering what's happening in your life and what might you do differently from this point forward to attract your ideal partner.

I would suggest a session begin with looking at your past commitments - both personally and professionally. Has your priority been on business with little or no attention placed on your personal love life? If this is the case, a plan to refocus and rebalance your life to include more exposure to the people and places where your partner might grace as well as a perspective shift from what you used to consider urgent and important to what you NOW consider important would support you in your goal.

What else might be off-balance in your life? Are you too high-maintenance? Or, have your friends stopped trying to set you up on dates because "you're just too picky." Do you tend to be overly judgmental or critical of yourself and others? If so, then a plan to open to self-love and opening to loving and unconditionally accepting others would be in order.

What about your emotional and Spiritual life? Do you tend to get really down and hard on yourself when things don't go the way you'd like them to? Do you get overly emotional and enraged about the large and the small inequities of life? If so, then a plan to incorporate stronger foundational beliefs in Spirit, God or your Higher Power would support you in achieving a natural state of emotional freedom and a sense of Peace and Serenity - only obtainable in the knowledge that "all is well." Which, by the way, is the ideal state to attract a really fabulous partner.

The above "plan of ascent" suggestions, while they may seem to be unrelated to your dream of having your ideal soul mate relationship - they are, in fact, intricately related and when any area of your life is "unbalanced" or "unworkable" all areas suffer from this imbalance. Continuing to focus on what you want, what brings you joy and what you can do to bring others joy would also support you in creating a more attractive life to your desires. Live in the now with your attention on what you're grateful for.

Stay faithful, confident and patient that your partner is out there and know that they want you as much as you want them.

Sen. Hubert Humphrey, a man with an indomitable zest for living, once talked about the "good old days." He said, "They were never that good, believe me. The good new days are today, and better days are coming tomorrow. Our greatest songs are still unsung."