I'm stuck in the pain of my past relationship. I can't get over her!

Dear Stuck in Despair,

Here's the prescription for getting over a love:

1. Breathe.

2. Cry.

3. Breathe some more.

4. Cry some more.

5. Then go outside and admire the moon.

6. Jog through the park looking for beautiful leaves, melodious birds or chirping crickets.  

7. Take an ice skating lesson or go see a movie.  

In other words, distract yourself with a mindless activity that recharges your spirit naturally. Then come home and breathe, cry and breathe some more. Repeat twice daily (as directed) until the pain and suffering cease to exist. 

That's the medicine for releasing your sorrow and attachment.  

Eventually, the tears dry, the breath becomes less deliberate and life begins to work again.The worst thing you can do, however, is to ignore these feelings or to move on as if you can simply dismiss your despair with a simple sweep of the hand. Some emotions are not rational and are not likely to respond to denial. 

Eventually, the mourning and the healing has to come from within. I have had countless clients share with me their formula for "moving on" and when it involves quickly getting involved with someone new - I can almost mathematically calculate the results: "New face - Same Relationship."

You may want to ask yourself - what is the payoff for not letting go? Do you get to hang on to your love or do you just get to avoid feeling the pain? 

Once you are able to recognize there is no avoiding it, you can begin to heal. Your willingness to allow yourself to truly grieve and thereby release your feelings of hurt, rejection, inadequacy etc. will dictate how quickly you can heal your heart and move forward in life.

"What we need is a portable form of the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem, where we can unburden ourselves of accumulated suffering. We must not try to bear the sufferings of the creation ourselves. We are to articulate these agonizing longings and let them pass through us to God. Only the heart of the loving God can endure such weight of suffering." - Walter Wink*

I recently discovered that I had not allowed myself to grieve the passing of a very beautiful relationship. I had hidden all of my most painful feelings under a veil of anger and resentment - it was much easier to feel angry and to pass responsibility and judgment on to my partner than to accept it as mine. 

Friends said, "Wow, you're handling this so calmly." While another very in-tuned friend said, "Are you hiding from your feelings?" I of course, rejected that idea. 

Then, I caught myself moping and I'm not a moper!!! What's wrong with me? I was suddenly depressed and miserable - and that is completely out of character for me. 

Fortunately, I remembered to call my own personal coach - and I realized what I HAD to do - Cry like a baby! Wail like a weeping siren; Beat a few pillows; Bawl through some Kleenex boxes and let my heart lament until I regained my sense of peace and connection. 

It took me four days of committed attention to my feelings but I finally stopped drowning in my tears. The feeling that has come over me sense then is a pure sense of gratitude and I am not only buoyant again but actually floating in a sea of acceptance and peaceful appreciation.

It requires courage and strength to go into our feelings - but it requires greater courage to reach out for support. If after a couple of days you are still in unbearable pain - call someone that can support you in working through the expression of your emotions. 

Call a professional - a coach or a therapist, a friend or a priest.Your ability to create a fresh relationship will be in direct proportion to your willingness to release the old, forgive yourself and your partner, discern the lessons from the heartaches, create new decisions from your mistakes, and become grateful for experiencing life's greatest teacher - a broken heart.

Much love and support to you on your healing journey. I know you'll find the glowing candle of love burning strong - once you look within to discover it was right where you left it.

*From Bearing Our Sorrows by Mary Ellen Ashcroft and Holly Bridges Elliot - As reprinted in Vitamins for the Soul by Traci Mullins and Ann Spangler.